Befriending a System: The “Like” Question

If you ever get the chance to befriend someone who has dissociative identity disorder, you may have found yourself eagerly asking the person “Do they like me?” in reference to the other alters in their system. And—more often than not—I’m sure you were met with an awkward pause as your new friend responds with a tentative “…of course they do.”

Did you do something wrong here? No. Not at all. And I’m sure your new friend would tell you that themself if you asked.

Then why did this happen? The answer is actually a little more complicated than you might think. And again, this isn’t your fault.

Something that’s commonly forgotten is that alters aren’t just “someone in different moods”; they are—quite literally—alternative states of consciousness. This means that they have the full capability of forming completely different personalities, perspectives on life, and experiences. Not to mention, they might also have varying levels of awareness when it comes to the outside world as a whole, so keeping all that in mind it’s entirely possible that some alters might not be so eager to jump on the friend wagon the second they learn about you.

But what does this mean for you specifically? Should you try to reach out to those more cautious alters more often? Ignore them all together? Fight with them? What’s the best course of action for this type of situation?

Well, I can’t speak for all systems obviously, but in my opinion…the best thing you can do is just give them time.

It sounds kind of anticlimactic, but think of it like this: you’re just getting introduced to a new group of individuals. And like any other scenario where this would be the case, does that mean that everyone loves you the second you walk into the room? No, but the more you’re around them, the more they’ll learn about you and that just might lead to a possible acquaintanceship. And then? Maybe even a friendship. You’ll only know if you give it a shot.

Long story short, be patient and kind. We know how complicated this is and at the end of the day that’s all we can ask for. :)